THE GREAT ALUMINUM BLEACHERS CAPER

Due to the overwhelming interest in my 15 seconds of fame, and an overload of questions and comments directed to my electronic messaging server, to which, considering the vast number, I simply cannot reply, I have constructed a primer for my genteel audience, addressing your comments, questions, and concerns. Please read the following before viewing my legendary television debut. Moreover, please note, my dear public, I am still, of course, honoring your autograph requests.

1. This is not a work of fiction. My resemblance to a giant, sweaty marshmallow, living or dead, is purely coincidental.
2. Objects or people on camera are moving much, much faster than they appear.
3. All requests for hair and makeup were adamantly refused.
4. All requests for a wardrobe change were, also, adamantly refused. Please see, "giant, sweaty marshmallow" #1, above.
5. I am a real person, not a paid actor. I adamantly accept monetary donations.
6. Yes, what you see in this video recording is my actual and authentic testimony. My monologue was not scripted.
7. No, I am not any more animated in real life.
8. No, despite a rather keen, lifelong interest in Aluminum (Al), I was not involved in the now notorious Royal Oak Middle School Aluminum Bleachers Caper.
9. Yes, Aluminum (Al) is my favorite element. See #8 above.
10. I am also very fond of ALCOA.
11. My concern over the theft is absolutely genuine. Never mind the schoolchildren, where would I run if the middle school running oval were closed?
12. In order to punch up the news segment for finicky midday viewers, I offered, instead of running up and down the bleacher stairway, to do one of the following:
     A. Jump through blazing hoops of fire, made from Aluminum (Al), of course.
     B. Pilot a motorcycle around a spherical Aluminum (Al) cage of death, known on the Continent as le Globe de la Mort.
     C. Address the camera in my Aluminum (Al) foil suit.
All offers were met negatively and adamantly refused, especially the last. See #4 above.
13. Yes, in characteristic Orloff form, I did think about attempting a coup in order to seize control, so that I could, in fact, essentially, interview myself, but I did not want to risk coming to blows with the inimitable Al Allen.
14. As I held forth on camera, several of my comments were, unfortunately, edited out of the finished video report. Most notably absent was my rather engaging elucidation on proper running track etiquette, which most visitors to the oval do not abide, as well as my even more compelling address on the foolishness of barefoot running, with particular emphasis on asphalt surfaces.
15. One final note: yes, wearing a conical Aluminum (Al) hat will indeed stop outer space aliens from reading your mind. However, please keep in mind that even a conical Aluminum (Al) hat will not prevent an alien abduction.


I would like to thank the inimitable Al Allen and the wonderfully professional FOX 2 News crew for an unexpectedly splendid Friday morning. My comments concerning any interaction with the crew or Mr. Allen are entirely fictional.

Thieves Swipe Aluminum Bleachers at Royal Oak Middle School: MyFoxDETROIT.com